• January 23, 2016
  • Dx5a0141 sq 1500 def maxǝʞɹǝᴉɟ; end
  • Humour, Life

When you meet a new person, there are a small number of questions that you can and should ask, in order to adequately determine how well you'll get along. I firmly believe in these questions, so I've given them with my answers. All answers are 100% accurate.

  1. Who's your favorite human?: Paget Brewster
  2. Who's your favorite comedian?: Hannibal Buress.
  3. Who's your favorite artist?: Kanye West
  4. What's the craziest/most extreme thing you'd do for a klondike bar?: Work to unmask a global, sociopolitical conspiracy involving the drug-trade and the head of Wal-Mart.
  5. What's the least amount of fingers you'd be okay having by age 70?: 7 fingers
  6. What did you want to be when you were three years old?: A garbage truck driver in Oklahoma
  7. What was your first word?: No.
  8. What do you think happens after death?: I think my consciousness will transfer to a parallel universe in which I didn't die. I have no evidence for this, I just think it's a nice thought and something interesting to ponder.
  9. How do you feel about Noel Gallagher?: Look, Oasis was alright. I love Wonderwall and Morning Glory, but dude needs to stop pretending like he's the Czar of Music.
  10. What's your reaction when someone drops a pop cultural reference?:
    • When you understand it: Hello, yes, I would like one marriage please.
    • When you don't: I commend your effort
  11. Do you think existence has meaning?: I'm not entirely settled on this, but I think I take a somewhat nihilistic approach. Not in a depressing, cynical sense, but I think there is no intrinsic meaning to existence. i.e. I don't believe in fate. I think meaning is prescribed by one's self, and not by some universal imperative. Although, I do believe, mostly, in the responsibility of humans to keep this shit going for as long as we reasonably can. Again, not by some sort of "manifest destiny"-type belief in humans as exceptional, I just think it's probably the nice thing to do, seeing as we routinely create new humans. I think people should be nice.
  12. What is your reaction to puns?
    • When they're good: facepalm
    • When they're bad: I'm leaving.
  13. What do you want to be doing at 45? Telling dad jokes. Speaking at conferences. Doing something that is socially good.
  14. What do you want to be doing at 90? Telling granddad jokes and great-granddad jokes. Living in my alternate-reality VR headset as Franz T. McGillicuddy, international spy and man of mystery.
  15. What's your guilty-pleasure TV show? Cougar Town. Actually, I don't feel very guilty about that. I'm pretty open about my love for Cougar Town. And it's good, so I'm not sure it qualifies for guilty pleasure territory. Hawaii Five-0 is probably my guilty pleasure then. Some of the dialogue is pretty ridiculous.
  16. What's your guilty-pleasure song? Trap Queen by Fetty Wap. It's a very beautiful track about sharing interests with your significant other.
  17. Have you or any member of your immediate family ever been a member of the Communist Party?: No.

Getting the answers to these questions should allow you to paint a fairly accurate picture of the kind of person you're talking to. If for some reason they cannot provide an answer to one of the questions, they're being evasive; press them on the questions until you get an honest answer.

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