Serious Answers to Ridiculous Questions

  • January 23, 2016
  • Dx5a0141 sq 1500 def maxǝʞɹǝᴉɟ; end
  • Humour, Life

When you meet a new person, there are a small number of questions that you can and should ask, in order to adequately determine how well you'll get along. I firmly believe in these questions, so I've given them with my answers. All answers are 100% accurate.

  1. Who's your favorite human?: Paget Brewster
  2. Who's your favorite comedian?: Hannibal Buress.
  3. Who's your favorite artist?: Kanye West
  4. What's the craziest/most extreme thing you'd do for a klondike bar?: Work to unmask a global, sociopolitical conspiracy involving the drug-trade and the head of Wal-Mart.
  5. What's the least amount of fingers you'd be okay having by age 70?: 7 fingers
  6. What did you want to be when you were three years old?: A garbage truck driver in Oklahoma
  7. What was your first word?: No.
  8. What do you think happens after death?: I think my consciousness will transfer to a parallel universe in which I didn't die. I have no evidence for this, I just think it's a nice thought and something interesting to ponder.
  9. How do you feel about Noel Gallagher?: Look, Oasis was alright. I love Wonderwall and Morning Glory, but dude needs to stop pretending like he's the Czar of Music.
  10. What's your reaction when someone drops a pop cultural reference?:
    • When you understand it: Hello, yes, I would like one marriage please.
    • When you don't: I commend your effort
  11. Do you think existence has meaning?: I'm not entirely settled on this, but I think I take a somewhat nihilistic approach. Not in a depressing, cynical sense, but I think there is no intrinsic meaning to existence. i.e. I don't believe in fate. I think meaning is prescribed by one's self, and not by some universal imperative. Although, I do believe, mostly, in the responsibility of humans to keep this shit going for as long as we reasonably can. Again, not by some sort of "manifest destiny"-type belief in humans as exceptional, I just think it's probably the nice thing to do, seeing as we routinely create new humans. I think people should be nice.
  12. What is your reaction to puns?
    • When they're good: facepalm
    • When they're bad: I'm leaving.
  13. What do you want to be doing at 45? Telling dad jokes. Speaking at conferences. Doing something that is socially good.
  14. What do you want to be doing at 90? Telling granddad jokes and great-granddad jokes. Living in my alternate-reality VR headset as Franz T. McGillicuddy, international spy and man of mystery.
  15. What's your guilty-pleasure TV show? Cougar Town. Actually, I don't feel very guilty about that. I'm pretty open about my love for Cougar Town. And it's good, so I'm not sure it qualifies for guilty pleasure territory. Hawaii Five-0 is probably my guilty pleasure then. Some of the dialogue is pretty ridiculous.
  16. What's your guilty-pleasure song? Trap Queen by Fetty Wap. It's a very beautiful track about sharing interests with your significant other.
  17. Have you or any member of your immediate family ever been a member of the Communist Party?: No.

Getting the answers to these questions should allow you to paint a fairly accurate picture of the kind of person you're talking to. If for some reason they cannot provide an answer to one of the questions, they're being evasive; press them on the questions until you get an honest answer.

Max’s Tips for Very Good Air Travel

  • March 24, 2017
  • Dx5a0141 sq 1500 def maxǝʞɹǝᴉɟ; end
  • Humour

You may be traveling without even realizing these ten very important things.

These days, I work for a company where I sit in a chair and do complicated brain things. Occasionally, they tell me to go get on a large metal sky bird, or airplane, to sit and not do brain things until I get to another place, where I promptly return to sitting and doing brain things. It’s an exciting life and I am very lucky and happy. I have experienced much of this so-called air travel during the past year or so, so I am sharing some of my tips free of charge, because I am also wonderful and mildly attractive.

Tip #1: Arrive early for the airport.

Airlines are all about timing. To ensure that you are one of the lucky ones who makes it to the plane and does not get eaten by Bernhardt the Senior Flight Attendant, make sure you aim to get there two hours before your flight, but be sure to arrive at a multiple of three and get to the TSA checkpoint on a multiple of five. They are very strict about the timing and will not hesitate to send you to the back of the line. If you’re worried, try to bring your friend Jerry who always ends his sentences with “I am Jerry, I was a Mathsss major”.



Tip #2: Stop at the Duty-Free

These days, it’s really rare to find fine products that aren’t covered in shit. The Duty-Free stores at the airport carry only products not covered in shit, so it is a good opportunity to stock up.

Tip #3: Say “Hi” to Sylvester

You will inevitably run into someone from your past on a work flight and it will probably be Sylvester. Be sure to say “Hi” when you see him and then promptly ignore him for the rest of your life. You have given him all you can give. If you acknowledge him later, it will open up a portal to Hell and fill the next 7 years with darkness and despair, so please don’t fuck it up for everyone.

Samsung DVD-C500 DVD Player with HD Upconversion. source:

Tip #4: Do not bring your Samsung DVD-C500 DVD Player with HD Upconversion onboard

This summer, the FAA banned the Samsung DVD-C500 from all American passenger aircraft, as it poses a serious fire hazard. Do not bring your Samsung DVD-C500 with you when you fly. It will still be at home when you get back and you can return to watching the Season 2 DVD of Reba.

Tip #5: Say no to babies

Sometimes, the airline will offer you to take a baby at the gate. This might seem cool and it might seem fun to get to show all your friends at the bar your cool new baby you got from your Southwest flight, but do not take it. It is another airline trick. Whoever takes the baby has to sit in the baby seat with the baby who also does not like airplanes, probably because it’s parents are the airline. Unfortunately, there’s someone on every flight who takes the free baby and you will be forced to hear their cries “I did not mean to take the baby, waaaaahhhh!”

Tip #6: Do not shout “I LOVE SEAT 5F” from the top of your lungs as soon as you sit down

Obviously, seat 5F is the best of the best when it comes to airline seating and most people know it. However, be really careful and avoid declaring your continuing love for seat 5F at the top of your lungs. It may seem crazy, but some people did not know about seat 5F and not everyone got to be seated in 5F, so shut the fuck up, you lucky little so-and-so, or Bernhardt the Senior Flight Attendant will have your head.

Sky coffee will not look as good, though. source:

Tip #7: Ask for the hottest coffee available

This is a certified TravelHack™. When the flight attendants come around with beverages, ask for the hottest coffee available on the aircraft. The flight attendants will be impressed with your moxie and will return from the hold with a piping hot pot of coffee, flaming at the top. All of the other passengers will cheer and your legacy will finally be sealed.

Tip #8: Do not eat the peanuts

Do not eat the peanuts, they are a classic airline trap. If you eat the peanuts, you will become Bernhardt’s personal assistant, tasked with playing doubles tennis with him on his private court for eternity, until someone says “Excuse me, do you think it would be okay if I continue using my phone on this flight, I have really important business things to say and I am in first-class”, which will break the spell.

This is what clapping looks like. source: Flickr

Tip #9: Clap Enthusiastically When the Plane Lands

It’s very important that you clap enthusiastically when the plane lands at your destination. It is the only way for the pilot and co-pilot to know that their spell worked and the plane landed successfully. It is also the only way for them to exit their trance without someone obtaining ginger root and four elven toes, placing them directly in the pilot’s mouth, and chanting “Nickelback is a proper musical group and not a community service project”.

Tip #10: Be sure to exit the plane

I know, sometimes it seems hard. The plane is so comfortable, warm, and sponge-like, but you must resist the urge to stay on the plane and take up residence. Only Bernhardt is allowed lodging on the plane and he is not looking for roommates. You must leave the plane.

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