You may be traveling without even realizing these ten very important things.
These days, I work for a company where I sit in a chair and do complicated brain things. Occasionally, they tell me to go get on a large metal sky bird, or airplane, to sit and not do brain things until I get to another place, where I promptly return to sitting and doing brain things. It’s an exciting life and I am very lucky and happy. I have experienced much of this so-called air travel during the past year or so, so I am sharing some of my tips free of charge, because I am also wonderful and mildly attractive.
Tip #1: Arrive early for the airport.
Airlines are all about timing. To ensure that you are one of the lucky ones who makes it to the plane and does not get eaten by Bernhardt the Senior Flight Attendant, make sure you aim to get there two hours before your flight, but be sure to arrive at a multiple of three and get to the TSA checkpoint on a multiple of five. They are very strict about the timing and will not hesitate to send you to the back of the line. If you’re worried, try to bring your friend Jerry who always ends his sentences with “I am Jerry, I was a Mathsss major”.
Tip #2: Stop at the Duty-Free
These days, it’s really rare to find fine products that aren’t covered in shit. The Duty-Free stores at the airport carry only products not covered in shit, so it is a good opportunity to stock up.
Tip #3: Say “Hi” to Sylvester
You will inevitably run into someone from your past on a work flight and it will probably be Sylvester. Be sure to say “Hi” when you see him and then promptly ignore him for the rest of your life. You have given him all you can give. If you acknowledge him later, it will open up a portal to Hell and fill the next 7 years with darkness and despair, so please don’t fuck it up for everyone.
Samsung DVD-C500 DVD Player with HD Upconversion. source: BestBuy.com
Tip #4: Do not bring your Samsung DVD-C500 DVD Player with HD Upconversion onboard
This summer, the FAA banned the Samsung DVD-C500 from all American passenger aircraft, as it poses a serious fire hazard. Do not bring your Samsung DVD-C500 with you when you fly. It will still be at home when you get back and you can return to watching the Season 2 DVD of Reba.
Tip #5: Say no to babies
Sometimes, the airline will offer you to take a baby at the gate. This might seem cool and it might seem fun to get to show all your friends at the bar your cool new baby you got from your Southwest flight, but do not take it. It is another airline trick. Whoever takes the baby has to sit in the baby seat with the baby who also does not like airplanes, probably because it’s parents are the airline. Unfortunately, there’s someone on every flight who takes the free baby and you will be forced to hear their cries “I did not mean to take the baby, waaaaahhhh!”
Tip #6: Do not shout “I LOVE SEAT 5F” from the top of your lungs as soon as you sit down
Obviously, seat 5F is the best of the best when it comes to airline seating and most people know it. However, be really careful and avoid declaring your continuing love for seat 5F at the top of your lungs. It may seem crazy, but some people did not know about seat 5F and not everyone got to be seated in 5F, so shut the fuck up, you lucky little so-and-so, or Bernhardt the Senior Flight Attendant will have your head.
Sky coffee will not look as good, though. source: upload.wikimedia.org
Tip #7: Ask for the hottest coffee available
This is a certified TravelHack™. When the flight attendants come around with beverages, ask for the hottest coffee available on the aircraft. The flight attendants will be impressed with your moxie and will return from the hold with a piping hot pot of coffee, flaming at the top. All of the other passengers will cheer and your legacy will finally be sealed.
Tip #8: Do not eat the peanuts
Do not eat the peanuts, they are a classic airline trap. If you eat the peanuts, you will become Bernhardt’s personal assistant, tasked with playing doubles tennis with him on his private court for eternity, until someone says “Excuse me, do you think it would be okay if I continue using my phone on this flight, I have really important business things to say and I am in first-class”, which will break the spell.
This is what clapping looks like. source: Flickr
Tip #9: Clap Enthusiastically When the Plane Lands
It’s very important that you clap enthusiastically when the plane lands at your destination. It is the only way for the pilot and co-pilot to know that their spell worked and the plane landed successfully. It is also the only way for them to exit their trance without someone obtaining ginger root and four elven toes, placing them directly in the pilot’s mouth, and chanting “Nickelback is a proper musical group and not a community service project”.
Tip #10: Be sure to exit the plane
I know, sometimes it seems hard. The plane is so comfortable, warm, and sponge-like, but you must resist the urge to stay on the plane and take up residence. Only Bernhardt is allowed lodging on the plane and he is not looking for roommates. You must leave the plane.